Yet, I live for moments like these:
When was the last time I posted a photo? I can’t remember. I have been waiting for turmoil and sickness to go away so I can go back to creativeness. Well, diseases keep coming and troubles follow me and in the meantime I struggle to still see the beauty of life around me and create a little of my own too. So, there, here is a photo again.
Today, once more, I have chosen to stay positive in spite of so many negative things.
I live in the outskirts of Boston and I work in the heart of Boston, about four blocks away from the explosions of last week. I was deeply touched by so much tragedy and senseless violence; still, I have also been inspired by so many stories of courage and selflessness, the human spirit at it’s best.
I choose to turn my face away from the evil that lurks within us. I cannot understand it, I will not dwell on it, I just hope and pray I never get too close to it to become a victim of it.
Today, I also found out that someone truly hates me in this world and as far as I know I have done no wrong to this person to earn such hatred.
I thought about sending a letter to let her know that in spite of our past quarrels and offenses exchanged, I wanted to make peace with her, forgive and forget and exchange well-wishings and even blessings for both our lives, so we could move on with our lives and forget.
Of course, this was before I found out about the horrible things she’s said about me to all who would lend an ear. I always find out things without asking, without seeking them. It may be a curse or a blessing. I don’t know.
So, I thought I would include many more things in the letter I drafted a couple of weeks ago. Then, I thought, maybe it’s not worth it. Still, I have this draft with me, and I need to send it, to put it out of my heart even if she never reads it. The letter is as follows:
I wanted to send you a brief note to comply with my duty as a Christian and apologize for my mistakes and to tell you I forgive yours and by doing so, close this chapter in my life.
God knows my heart and He knows I sincerely tried to be your friend, but some things are not meant to be and this is one of them. I finally understood this is not possible, so I let go of this idea and I pray to God to bless you always.
The previous was last week’s draft. This is today’s draft:
When I helped you fix your garden, paint your house and many other chores, I did it because I wanted to be your friend.
When I stood by you and your mother’s deathbed and I cried with you when she passed, and I held you tight trying to console you, I did it because I wanted to be your friend.
The many times I had you in my house as a guest, the many hugs I gave you, and hours spent trying to help you and console your in your lowest times, when I searched help for you, I did it because I wanted to be your friend.
When I forgot past offenses again and again, and invited you to diner to make peace, I did it because I wanted to be your friend.
When you were in need and I gave you from my new clothing and shoes, I did it because I wanted to be your friend.
Yes, I was always upfront and when I had to tell things I told them to you. When you were selfish I told you so, in your face but you chose to tell so many lies about me and of course, you had to say them behind my back, because they were not true.
Still, I forgive you, I wish you well and blessings in your life. May God heal the bitterness in your heart and anything else that may be wrong in you.
I let go of the idea that we could be friends. I have finally realized you never intended to be my friend, just took advantage of me and stabbed me behind my back as soon as you had the chance.
It’s okay, I forgive you and I let all my pain in the Lord’s hand.
Now I am left to debate with myself the use of being naïve and giving my all so easily. This is not the first time someone breaks my heart like this. Maybe there truly is something wrong with me.
I do not know. I only know I am not a saint, I am not perfect, I have my temper too, but when I offer friendship and love, I jump in with all, maybe that is my mistake, to love too much and to care too much. Still, I don’t know how I can be different. I don’t know how to love frivolously and to distrust.
From all this, there is only one conclusion:
I commit to do good to those who hurt me,
to forgive those who talk behind my back,
to bless those who wish me bad.
I forgive and let go.
People come and go,
friends leave, new friends arrive
people change their minds
or just plain stop caring.
The love of our lives leave us
without blinking an eye.
Life goes on …
Hearts break, hearts heal
others just go on,
just as life goes on.
Never hold anyone accountable
if he stops caring
if you have to cry, just cry
and go on.
While there is a breath in you
just go on
crawling on the floor
for walking is too painful for now
but just go on.
Inching closer to the place
we thought was the end
the finish line of so much pain
Ist it? who knows!
just go on
keep on going
for life goes on.
Every time I hear about someone killing himself I cannot help to feel deeply moved, not only for the tragedy itself, but also, for the pain of everyone involved and, because I will never forget I was in those shoes one day, and it could have been me the one who ended her life.
The casualties of mental health are not only innocent children killed in horrific cases like Sandy Hook Elementary School but every single day, families mourn the loss of their loved ones who have succumbed to this silent epidemic that devours the lives of so many people and robs many more of a “normal” life in which they cannot enjoy the simplest things and wraps the ones around them with a veil of pain, fear and desperation.
I wanted to take some time to reflect on this, as I always do when I find out about another victim of mental illness and thank God for his infinite mercy. I would not be alive without Him. Also, for medicine, treatments and support of people who either loved me or just cared a little -or a lot- about me and helped me when I needed it the most. I am forever grateful.
To all those who still suffer depression and struggle with suicidal thoughts or any other manifestations of mental illness, like anxiety, eating disorders, etc. I just wanted to share a word of encouragement. I was in that deep well of despair, for many years, probably all my adult and teenage years and some of my childhood too. I also, considered and attempted suicide on several occasions as the only choice left to escape so much pain and despair.
My word of encouragement is this: there are many treatments, please seek and don’t give up. Hopefully you will find relief. For me, personally, I know these treatments work because my faithful God held my hand when I was walking in complete darkness, lost and wounded to death. He guided me to a safe place and tended my wounds, patiently, one by one until I was able to walk on my own again; then, I was able to work on my recovery and will continue to do so until the last day of my life.
Mental illness is a struggle for life, but there is hope, but when all else fails and seems insurmountable, God is there to console and heal, to forgive and forget, to erase all the pain and give unconditional love.
My prayers today are for the Warren family and all who suffer from any form of mental illness. May you find solace and health soon.
- Pastor Rick Warren’s Son Commits Suicide (blackchristiannews.com)
How are you my dear friend? Are you doing well?
How are your beautiful kids, are they thriving?
I just thought I’d drop a few lines to say,
I think of you and still miss you like hell
(It rhymes, so why not? it’s true anyway)
It’s been what? three years?
I still get mushy inside thinking about you
I just thought I should write to say,
I hope your heart has healed,
if such thing is possible after a heartache.
I just thought I’d write to say,
after three years I know heartaches don’t heal
you just learn to live and learn from them
and hopefully think about them with less frequency
a heartache is something that remains forever.
Still, I hope,
one day love arrives again in your life and
after a long cold winter of despair
the barren land of your heart, dried and colorless
will break again by the beauty of erupting greenish buds
I hope much rain visits to help them grow.
A heartache is just one more season’s passage,
one day you open your eyes and realize
color is back into your life and the smells of the new season invade your soul again.
It’s the circle of life,
life renewing itself over and over again.
I hope one day soon, I will find out
you have blossomed again,
that should make me happy.
After all, that’s what love and friendship is all about,
selflessness, unconditionality and acceptance in reciprocity.
I wish you well, my long-lost friend,
I hope love soon finds your way,
may all your dreams come true.
I just thought I’d drop a few lines to say,
you’re still the rightful owner of a piece of my heart
that time has passed and I still care for you and ..
wish you well.
I am in a roller coaster lately, I am adjusting to my new me.
While on these drugs I improved and came off a severe clinical depression which almost cost me my life.
I have been off Prozac for about six months and about a month off Trazodone. I have noticed my emotions are a little unpredictable. I have always been a sentimental one, this has not changed, maybe I am just a little more drippy when the faucet is turned on. When it comes to coping with stress then I really hit the hill and find myself free falling in the blink of an eye.
I have been a little overwhelmed lately with everyday troubles and some not so simple ones too. I just think I am getting used to being myself again. For so many years I was a robot. The pills, while they helped, also masked many of my emotions, demurred some of my flamboyancies and quieted some of my wild inner voices.
Now, without my meds, I feel naked in the beach of my feelings, exposed and vulnerable, but I know I will learn to control my new found emotions. I am on my way to become a human being again. I am not afraid, I have fought against taller giants before and I am sure I will come out victorious, I just need time to learn to be an un-dopped person and some time in the future, the near future I hope, I will find an equilibrium and a way to manage with the situations everybody copes with without drugs.
I have hope and that is good.